Its a him issue. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. Theres like 1 hour of down time. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. Frankly, what worked for me was meeting the team my wife was working with. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. My mom too! The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. Yes. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. So I do think theres a chance this is just a Vegas thing. I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. I cant quite tell from this letter if he does yet or notnor if its a true anxiety issue or straight-up manipulative, controlling behavior. No constant phone calls/other distractions.) Thats fine! If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. I worry about things constantly. We live a block away from a grocery store. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. I have a friend who doesnt drink, gamble, or smoke and Vegas is one of her favorite vacation places. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. If youre the breadwinner, you obviously have to go on the trip. I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Omg that sounds so much like my mom. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. Unless OP has a history of partying hard and getting black-out drunk (which doesnt seem to be the case), I think theres little to worry about here. This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. Marriage CounselingDefinitely. And it ignores other possible explanations. You say youre the breadwinner. Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. Try to stop expecting reasonable behaviour from your spouse when hes in this anxious state. So much wow. To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. But other things may be reasonable eg nightly call ins and letting husband know that she is not going to call or answer his calls during the day. Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Find advice, support and good company (and some stuff just for fun). If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Not everything is family friendly (I.E. Its natural to want to care for your partner. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. should I be so emotionally drained by managing? You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. Sorry, Im a nope here. At that point, the OP has some really solid information far more useful and on point than anything that the internet commentariate can provide her. Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. Maybe Im wrong. I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! This is a relationship problem, not a work problem. I am from Las Vegas, born and raised there. I dont think that would help the situation, however. This is a really, really big deal. I went shopping. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. 5. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. -03-2022, 0 Comments If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! Ill throw this out too just in case. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. I think some boundaries are needed here. Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. I hope he really is as great as you say, and that this is a one-off. I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. This is about control. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. Advising someone that most religious counselors would agree with professional norms doesnt help someone in Bible Belt USA or traditionally Catholic Ireland or in rural Saudi Arabia. I went for the first time over the summer. If you on a long car ride or your baby simply just doesn't like a car seat you obviously aren't going to stop every 5 or 10 min to take baby out and soothe him so you do it in the car as long as someone else is driving. While it has its own series of potential problems, leaving him in a hotel room in Vegas all day while shes in conferences might bore him into realizing the reality of the place. The touristy gloss. You really, really have no basis for this. Its not particularly reasonable to expect a teenager to make scheduled check-in calls, much less an adult! Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. Clearly youve been abducted. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. Did I stand out? Yeah, this. My company had an annual meeting in Vegas a few years ago, that I wasnt important enough to attend, and I was crazy jealous. Which update is that? The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. Yeah, this seems so over the top Im having trouble thinking its just about relationship issues. Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. The hotel was phenomenal, though! I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). ), and Im excited to stay at Mandalay Bay because they have an aquarium. We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. Dont try to rationally argue with him; much like a toddler, he isnt thinking rationally and it will get you nowhere. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! I really dont recommend this course of action. Sorry Sketch, that wasnt aimed specifically at you. Im not diagnosing at all. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. It was literally created by the mob and has legalized prostitution and gambling. It is ideally set up to host conferences. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. Scheduled calls are a great idea. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. Surely you jest! Everyone he talks to agrees with him. Well, first of all, they dont. Super reasonable! Nope. My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Ive actually been there and I agree its overplayed and that corporate concerns are more about flights and conference rooms but its weird to act like youve never heard this stereotype. If yes, how does he handle those trips? He doesnt have friends. Then everyone is sober. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. If you bring consoling up, will he go? We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. Just last night I got home around sunset to find my wifes car in the driveway, the garage door open, all the lights off, and the house still and quiet. Meanwhile, Im building a scene in my head where shes been kidnapped and terrible things are happening to her. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. :). My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Might need to go back. But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. I'm scheduled for a c-section on September 21st and although it's not that far away, it's definitely not as close as I would like it to be. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. Keep in mind that your partner is occasionally on edge, as being polite throughout an entire family trip can feel like a job." AKA: Don't be surprised if your partner gets moody. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. He wasnt healthy for me. My husband of 23 years has never objected to any business trips Ive taken (not even the week-long trip to the Bahamas when our daughter was 8 months old), so Im chiming in to say that whats going on with your husband is super abnormal in my experience. I definitely recommend Captain Awkward too for assistancence (she, Allison, and Doctor Nerdlove need to be together one day). Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. It gives him something else to focus on, so he isnt sitting on the couch by himself, watching TV and brewing in anxiety. I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. Haha! And ate a lot of food. On top of everything Allison said, it might work to show him how normal business travel to Las Vegas is. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. This. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? We can take care of ourselves. As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. Me: Um, what now? Huh. Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. Jealous? Just because people traveling for pleasure to Las Vegas give the impression that its a place to go wild, thats not what a work retreat/meeting is going to be like in any way. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. You really really need to have those shirts washed in that way? Is she free to travel then? He stresses less when I go somewhere urban. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. I bet youll have fun. Illogical or inappropriate behaviors like this are not always a sign of mental illness and mental illness is not an excuse to be controlling or abusive, EVER. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. She doesnt like it when I had lied to her but its alright to lie to me and Im not welcome to come along and stay in a another hotel. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) Im going to disagree with your last sentence. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. Business trips (and business trips to Las Vegas even) are such a normal part of work life that is is totally bizarre to expect you not to go simply because of the destination. My dad goes around the world: Spain, Taiwan, Japan and he spends it all on a commercial ship fixing the radar, sonar, ormcomputer. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. Ive only been to Vegas twice. He knows that travelling for work is non-negotiable, so hes willing to put in the work to make it easier for both of us. We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. Why he wants to go alone. There are counties where selling alcohol is illegal. :D. Its doubly absurd because Tokyo is, I would wager, THE safest big metropolitan city in the world. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? Seriously, OP this is *NOT* normal. People watching! It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. For example, phone #: 123-333-4567. Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. This isnt normal, as you say, and a good husband will support you as you travel. If you must have discussion, have them *later*, when everyone is calm. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcynon valley history. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. Ive stayed in beautiful NYC and D.C. hotels for less than $130 a night. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. Some things are objectively controlling behaviours though. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. No. $60/night + $30/night resort fee, and $30 worth of groceries for the week kept me out of the pricey restaurants. All of us can comment all we want about how innocuous this trip is, and how much of an overreaction this is, but it doesnt change the facts from where youre sitting. I agree with Alison here. She thought surely I would be kidnapped in the dark parking lot. He made her upset the entire trip last time. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. I agree with your husband .. And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. I dont let him go on trips because we dont manage each others lives like that, but I do support his career and any travel that entails even if its stressful for me. I love New Orleans! Could be true. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. They always ended up going to what one of them called armpit towns. Even if they went someplace cool, they rarely had time to do anything ever.